Anxiety with a dab of postpartum

My pregnancy wasn’t all glitter and gold like you see on those Instagram posts. It was more of nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite and constant fatigue. I’m not complaining. My son is a blessing. He’s my little bundle of sunshine. My Noor. My reason to keep moving forward. Without him I don’t know how my life would be.

But having anxiety and going through postpartum was like walking through hell. The nine months of pregnancy, labor and those two hours of pushing weren’t as bad as those first four weeks of postpartum. But I made it through. Alhumdulilah! 

The worst part of going through all that was the constant pressure of the people around me. Having to entertain guests and make them feel welcome when you feel so unwelcomed in your own house, and in your own body. Having to dress up in pretty clothes and putting on a smile while aching and learning how to breastfeed. It was a struggle for me and my son. He couldn’t latch on, and I was barely producing enough in the beginning. On top of that I was so sleep deprived that my brain couldn’t keep up with everything happening around me. All I wanted was to sleep. Just for a few minutes.

That sleep deprivation was making me angry at my son, my husband and everyone who was trying to help. I felt like I was going crazy. Like I couldn’t control my own body and mind. I would lash out on everyone.

The anxiety I had quadrupled and depression hit so hard that even now when I think of those four weeks, I shiver in fear. The feeling of dread, helplessness, fear and hopelessness consumed me; I wanted it all to end. I remember crying all the time because nothing was making sense.

Now I have this uncontrollable fear of having more kids. The pregnancy and the labor don’t scare me as much as postpartum does.

I’m good now. My son’s good too. But postpartum is a very nasty thing, especially if you’re dealing with a mental issue on hand.  

I did not seek professional help. That was my first mistake. I lied on those questionaries that the doctors give after birth. I was terrified of the consequences if I told them the truth. What if they thought I was unstable and took my son away from me or what if they send me to the mental asylum. And on top of that the culture I come from isn’t very encouraging.

But now that I think about it, I should’ve gotten help the moment I knew something was wrong.

To all my future mother or mothers that are going through this. Keep pushing and get help from where ever you can. Reach out to me if you have to. And to my future fathers, just be patient with the mother of your children. They’ve been through a lot. Ask them how you can help. Listen to them when they’re trying to communicate with you. Not only will this help your spouse heal, but it will also save and strengthen your marriage.

And honestly, if you don’t have a uterus- you shouldn’t have an opinion on anything the involves childbirth. Thank you for coming to my Ted talks.